About Meisha

I began hCG monitoring in December 2006 with Weston Park Hospital but my first urine test revealed my hormone levels had not decreased from 14,500 following a Medical Evacuation and a D&C. Further scans and tests revealed a further increase in hCG levels to 20,000 and Persistent Gestational Trophoblastic Disease on my lungs. I felt numb and frightened and couldn’t believe any of this was happening to me. One minute I was pregnant, the next I’d had a miscarriage and now this. The thought of cancer kind of summed everything up and I thought I had a long haul ahead of me.

I began methotrexate intramuscular injections the week after and it took 5 months of the stuff to get rid of the disease. It’s a tough ride this Trophoblastic Disease lark. I didn’t feel unwell from the disease but I suffered many side effects from the Chemotherapy. Some days I used to feel so tired and run down I couldn’t leave my flat. As other patients will relate to – your entire life has to revolve around your treatment and this does become tedious and stressfull. I found myself utilising my diary a lot and setting reminders on my mobile phone to take my folinic acid tablets!

Months on from the miscarriage and beyond my due date of 4th June I still can’t help thinking that by now I’d have been cradling my own child in my arms and it makes me sad. I still find myself being jealous of pregnant woman and thinking to myself that certain individuals don’t deserve to be pregnant or I find myself furiously envying their bumps. Yes, it’s a harsh thing to think, but it’s not half as bad as some of the other thoughts that go through my mind! My little green eyed monster has died down but it still pops up every now and then. I use to check baby websites out to see how far on my pregnancy would have been and what the baby would have looked like growing inside me. One day I find myself ok and think I have moved on and then the next day I’m grieving again. I had a complete molar pregnancy and there wasn’t even a baby developing but I thought I was pregnant, my body told me I was so in my mind there was a little baby growing inside me. I had a life in there and now it’s gone.

I take each day at a time. Some days are good then I’ll watch a program about pregnancy and birth and burst into tears or think about the baby plaque I bought from Pontefract General Hospital that is placed in the Forget Me Not Garden. I still sometimes go in and make sure the little teddy is dry in its little plastic sandwich bag! When I found out I was pregnant I bought the tiniest pair of socks and kept them in my handbag for good luck. Luck wasn’t on my side this time but I still have these socks and I’m hoping one day I’ll be able to proudly put them on my new born’s feet.

I was given the go ahead to start conceiving again (around 2008) but it wasn’t happening. I went through rigorous fertility tests to be told I was fine! However my boyfriend was also tested and in the period where I’d been diagnosed with PGTD and given the all clear his vasectomy reversal had reversed itself again and he was unable to conceive. It was a complete shock to us both and of course I was devastated. Over the next year or so I tried to come to terms with the fact we wouldn’t be able to have children together and eventually having explored other ways to conceive but knew it wouldn’t work for us – we parted.

My future with no children was not to be written in stone! In 2011 I became pregnant. I was In Complete shock but of course so happy. Following a worrying pregnancy being diagnosed with polyhydramnios I finally gave birth to my son Benjamin Tobias in 2012. He was perfect in every way and I felt my life was complete. I felt blessed to have finally become a Mum and was quite content at having just one child. I felt lucky and never in a million years thought I’d have a little boy after the trauma of the Molar Pregnancy. The Experience of the Molar Pregnancy had left me with some scars. The lack of control over my body and constant worry that things will go severely wrong made my pregnancy unenjoyable – nevertheless I felt very lucky at the same time.